Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize