I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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