I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I am naked and annoyed.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize