I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
