I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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