I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
