I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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