just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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