I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
