Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
