We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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