we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize