oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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