If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize