Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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