She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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