We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
