Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
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