Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Randomize
