Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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