If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
