He uses pillows to masturbate.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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