Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Randomize
