I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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