Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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