If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
