Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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