She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
