brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My life is pants optional.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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