i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
