Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
