btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
