This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
no you cant smoke seaweed
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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