apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
