So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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