The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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