How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
