Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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