oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
