i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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