so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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