i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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