Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize