Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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