That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
