took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
