mondays should just be called national damage control day
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
