she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
