I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
