i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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