I think i peed on brittanys purse
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
