the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
