Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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