I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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