do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
