Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
