she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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